


The Moon on a Cloudless Night

by Stormfet



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Heart-to-Heart, a good conversation between our wlw, beauyasha - Freeform, this is my take on that conversation that will eventually happen, who else feels broken after that last episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-28 00:09:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17172110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stormfet/pseuds/Stormfet
Summary: Shortly after the boat moves on from the archipelago, Beau and Yasha have a heart to heart about Yasha's past.





	The Moon on a Cloudless Night

**Author's Note:**

> WHO ELSE'S HEART IS SHATTERED AFTER THAT LAST EPISODE YASHA IS MY CHILD I LOVE HER this is my take on a conversation that I hope will eventually happen between our two children and begin to shift the dynamic towards the healing that will ultimately take place anyway. Enjoy.

It was another long night, a night Beau should be sleeping, especially after all the nonsense that had gone down in the archipelago with Fjord’s new powers. It had been a harrowing fight, and she knew that some of the party members were getting tired of almost dying. This must have been the fourth or fifth time Caleb went down...and it was Beau’s job to protect the weaker members. She was a sentinel. She was supposed to protect them.

Groaning audibly she rolled over for the four hundredth time, sighing deeply. It was a clear night, the moon was shining in through the porthole. Her mattress, already flat and uncomfortable, seemed to bunch up underneath her with every restless turn. 

Beau sat up. Fuck this.

She made her way up to the deck of the ship. Maybe a good long look at the moon might help. Or some wine. Something. 

The deck was clear, a calm night for the first time in it seemed weeks. Just the infinite ocean stretched in front of her, and the sky above. Out here on the sea the stars seemed endless. 

Beau climbed up the mast, headed for the crow’s nest. Right now she wanted to be as far away from everything as she could. Even in a groggy state it was an easy one two three leap, and Beau landed neatly on the mast, grabbing the rope almost carelessly. At least the rocking of the boat made it interesting. 

She hauled herself into the crow’s nest at the top of the mast and froze. Yasha stood in the crow’s nest, stoically staring out into the water.

“Watch is going well,” she said softly. Beau stood there blankly.

Yasha turned to face Beau. Tired, mismatched eyes stared grimly back. Yasha wasn’t exactly having the best time.

Beau began to panic. True, obviously she liked Yasha, but Yasha had made it clear that she wasn’t interested, and besides, when a giant, hulking woman is staring angrily at you with one blue and one purple eye, it’s pretty easy to get wigged out.

“I’ll...uh, leave you be,” Beau said, beginning to turn around. 

“Couldn’t sleep, Beauregard?” Yasha asked cooly.

“...no,” Beau said softly, avoiding looking into those piercing eyes.

“Me neither,” Yasha said, absentmindedly fiddling with the beads in her hair. “So. Watch, then. Isn’t the moon lovely tonight?”

“She is,” Beau said. The view from the nest was beyond belief, the water stretching as far as the eye could see. For all intents and purposes, they were the only spot of life on the endless ocean. And the moon in all her glory beamed out from the spattering of the galaxy, the stars twinkling and the moon at the center of it all, opalescent and luminous.

Yasha smiled. Beau jumped.

“Did I,” Beau said, stepping forward to lean on the rail with Yasha, “Just make Yasha Nydoorin, stoic barbarian extraordinaire...smile?”

Yasha smiled wider for a moment. “Yes,” she said, before the smile faded away. “At least for a moment.”

“I know it’s been rough,” Beau said. 

“Understatement of the century,” Yasha muttered. Beau rolled her eyes in agreement. 

“How are things with the stormlord?” Beau asked. “I know he sent a trial for you...”

Beau took one look at Yasha’s face and whatever she was trying to say fizzled immediately. God. Caduceus should be here. He was actually good at talking to people and making them feel comforted. That was something Beau had never been good at. Getting information, yes. Listening to feelings? Not so much...

“I trust him,” Yasha said. “That’s what matters.” Beau watched her touch the holy symbol strapped to her belt. 

“Faith, man,” Beau said with a shrug. “Something I never had.”

“Faith is what drives me to do everything,” Yasha said. 

Beau smiled. “Sometimes I wish I had something to fall back to. But it’s always just been me.”

“Even when I’m the most alone he’s with me,” Yasha said. “Even when the sky is perfectly clear, there’s a storm brewing on the horizon, out of sight.”

Beau cleared her throat. “Well, I’ll leave you be,” she said.

“Don’t,” Yasha said quietly. Beau’s heart dropped to her feet. 

“I’ll stay,” Beau said immediately. Yasha rolled her eyes at the sudden turn of heart, a sly sort of half-smile cracking at her lips. Beau took it. A half smile was better than no smile.

“It’s pretty easy to feel alone when everyone keeps abandoning you,” Yasha said quietly.

“Yasha,” Beau said, her voice cracking. “I can’t apologize enough for leaving you behind. Twiggy...the ball...it happened so quickly...”

“It’s okay,” Yasha said. “I know I’m not the only strong one on the team. We’ve got people like you to step in for me.”

“I wouldn’t say strong exactly describes me,” Beau said, cracking another small smile from Yasha. “But thank you.”

“We sentinels can never stick together,” Yasha said, slapping a hand on Beau’s shoulder and nearly sending her toppling off the nest. “Too many people to protect.”

“You’re the one I want to stick to,” Beau said, and then realized her awkward phrasing. “I...uh...I mean...”

“You throw little pebbles,” Yasha said, ruffling Beau’s hair, completely destroying Beau’s bun and Beau’s heart. “It’s funny.”

“I’m sorry,” Beau said. “I don’t mean to offend...I mean, you’re very attractive...uh, I should stop talking.”

Yasha looked at Beau and giggled. Yes, giggled. Beau’s head spun out of control.

“You know,” Yasha said. “When I first met Molly, he made me laugh. That’s why I liked him.”

Beau stopped, shaking her head. Whatever feelings she had, she quieted them. It was time to listen.

“God, I miss that disaster man,” Beau said. 

The light left Yasha’s face. 

“Me, too,” she said quietly. Beau leaned her forehead against the rail of the mast. 

“I think about him every day,” Beau said. “About how I could have done things differently, how I might have saved him...”

Yasha turned to look at Beau, her purple eye glimmering in the moonlight. 

“I think about how I could have been there,” she said. “Instead of tied up in a cart.”

Beau’s heart lurched. Thinking about this, every night before she fell asleep, watching Lorenzo stab into Molly’s heart, the blade twisting as Lorenzo’s grin smeared itself into Beau’s memory...the light leaving Molly’s eyes. 

“God,” Beau said, punching the wood, feeling her knuckles sting.

“You know,” Yasha said. “When I first met him. He was with the carnival. I had just left Xhorhas, and I was like a little lost child. And the carnival gave me a home.”

“He always did make you feel like part of a group,” Beau said. “Despite being an annoying little shit.”

“He gave me a reading with his silly cards,” Yasha said, with a slight eye roll. “He drew the chariot and the shadow. He said the chariot implies motion, that your life is about to change on a journey. The shadow, obscurity.” She paused, laughing humorlessly to herself. “How right he was.”

“I know we haven’t been the most welcoming, Yasha,” Beau said. “But you are as essential to the Nein as any of us. Maybe even the most.”

“You flatter me, Beau,” Yasha said.

Beau felt a flair of anger. “Not that time! I was trying to be serious!” she immediately slapped her hand to her mouth. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, Beauregard,” Yasha said. She gazed out on the moon, glittering in the night sky. 

Beau turned to look out at the moon as well. Even at her loneliest, the moon was always there, full of love. She smiled. 

“You know,” Yasha said quietly. “It’s funny to think how Molly made me feel safe. I’m always the one doing that, but he made me feel safe.”

Beau’s jaw worked, trying to think of something to say that wasn’t dumb or obvious. Something about how Yasha made her feel safe, or how she wanted to make Yasha feel safe. No, both stupid. 

“Do you know the reason I left Xhorhas?” Yasha asked. 

“No,” Beau said. 

Yasha gazed at the sea for a long time. “I disobeyed my tribe law.”

“Sounds like a saturday afternoon,” Beau said. “Sorry. Wisecracking bad right now.”

Yasha rolled her eyes, and said in a mocking tone, “I was trying to be serious!”

Beau smiled. “Okay, you got me on that one. I’m sorry.”

“I disobeyed tribe law,” Yasha said. “By marrying a woman I was not supposed to.”

Beau felt her stomach drop to her feet. “Yasha...” Beau reached up to put her arm around Yasha. Her stomach felt tight. “God this world can be backwards.” 

Yasha looked away, and Beau pulled her in for a hug. She felt Yasha’s big arms wrap around her tiny shoulders, her forehead lean on her shoulder. 

“You throw tiny pebbles, Beau, and you’ll never understand where I came from, but god is it nice to have someone who gets it.”

“Like Molly,” Beau whispered. “We stick together.”

Yasha pulled away, wiping a small tear from her eye. Beau tried not to let hers leak out. 

“What was her name?” Beau asked hoarsely, her voice teetering on cracking. 

“Zuella,” Yasha breathed, her eyes closing, like something completed her. 

“Come on, tell me more,” Beau said with a smile. Yasha frowned. 

“She’s dead,” Yasha said blankly.

“Oh god,” Beau said. “Oh god, Yasha.” She thought to all the tiny pebbles she had thrown, to all the sly compliments she had made. “Oh, Yasha.”

“Zuella was like a breath of spring air in a swamp country,” she said. “She was the moon on a cloudless night. She was a drow, and I would braid her white hair long after everyone was asleep and we took the night watch together.”

“Yasha,” Beau said softly.

“We got married under the starlight, with our two closest friends,” Yasha said. “But we were found out...the tribe assigns you a mate, and the punishment is death for abandoning tribe law. So...they killed her. And I ran away.”

Yasha looked away and this time Beau hugged her tightly, tighter than she had ever hugged anybody before. The horrible roiling pain in her gut must have been a fraction of the pain Yasha felt every day. Beau felt disgusted with herself.

They stood like that for a long time before pulling away in silence. 

“Commitment,” Beau said finally. “That’s something I can respect. Considering I’ve never committed to anything in my life.”

“Shh,” Yasha said. “I still ran away.”

“They would have killed you, Yasha,” Beau said. “And if you haven’t, well, I would have never met you. Molly would never have met you. The storm lord.”

Yasha fell quiet after this for a long moment.

“Thank you for telling me,” Beau said. “Whatever you need, I will give it to you. Whatever you need, I will make it happen, Yasha.”

Beau stood looking up at Yasha, towering over her, her purple eye glistening in the moonlight. 

“Sometimes all you need is to be heard,” Yasha said quietly. 

“Believe you me, that I understand,” Beau said. “Maybe the reason I’ve never committed to anyone like that was because for my whole life I felt like I had to keep it a secret...it wasn’t until long after I was sent to the Cobalt Soul and became an operative...it wasn’t until I could finally be out in the world away from my family that I could finally...be...me.”

“Yeah,” Yasha said. “Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had taken Zuella and ran like the wind.” 

“Can’t think like that,” Beau said.”You’ll just drive yourself crazy.”

“These flowers I collect,” Yasha said. “They’re all for her. Everything I do is for her.”

“What was it like to be married?” Beau said. “For whatever time you had?”

Yasha smiled, and this time, it was maybe the most sincere Beau had ever seen her. “It was like every day was better than the last. Falling asleep next to her, waking up next to her...she was my confidant and my best friend, and she was more than that. She was life. Every day I woke up feeling like I was living for the first time. Until I wasn’t.”

“That sounds like heaven,” Beau said. “And I can’t even imagine.” 

Yasha smiled. “Sometimes there are moments when I can remember her without pain. But just little moments.” 

“Thank you for telling me this, Yasha,” Beau said. “I’m not the best listener...obviously...but when it comes to this I can.” Beau reached up and grabbed Yasha’s hand, gripping it tightly. “We weirdos stick together, ya hear?”

Yasha smiled, broadly this time. She squeezed Beau’s hand back. “Together.”

“You go sleep,” Beau said. “I’ll take the watch for the rest of the night.”

“Thanks,” Yasha said, swinging her foot over the edge of the crow’s nest. “And Beau?”

“Yeah?” Beau asked. 

“Thank you,” Yasha said. “For listening.”

Beau nodded as Yasha withdrew. The moonlight glistened on the water below.


End file.
